The Blog of mandy5367

I've so totally failed in my last post's statement - that I was gonna post a blog every day. I know better than to make a statement like that! (Just clearing that up ^_^)

I went out with Cari and Mikey tonight, saw the movie Twilight. It was good :) I am glad I went, however something between being out with friends and the romantic aspect of the movie made me miss Jeff more than I have in a while. I felt lost because I was out, but I wasn't "with" anybody. I wanna be able to look over and kiss or hug my man. This military shit sucks, and now I know why I have always told myself I'd never get involved with a man who was or wanted to be in the military. Of course, it is entirely too late, as I have quite fallen for Jeff, so I shall continue to sit here and wait for him. It would help if I didn't feel like I was slowly losing more of myself day by day.

Constantly having to convince my own self that I have to wait, smothering the voice that's screaming like a child "Why can't he be here?!" There is no good god damn reason why this relationship is better than the rest, yet he's not even here. It's not a better one because he's not here, of course, but because the tiny amount of time I have spent physically with him, has been better than all the time I wasted on Chris, Jeremy, and Pat.

And my fucking pessimistic side keeps saying it won't work out, that it's too perfect and I don't deserve it.

I'm trying to see if I can post a blog every day, keep a real journal. That being said....

Today I recieved my xmas gifts I ordered online. Yay! All are intact and the personalization on them look okay. I'm not totally thrilled with how it turned out but maybe I'm not being realistic. So I'll just let things be and smile.

I finally finished Army Wives Season 2 yesterday! Took me like 4 or 5 days lol.... but hey, 19 episodes at 45 mins each, that's gonna take a while ^^

Eden's laying here with me, I'm so happy. I love my cat. I wouldn't trade her for any other kitteh.

Thinking about going out today, but where :/? I sorta don't wanna be in the house all day....

I'll figure out something.

<3!!!!

Only I could burn a damned breadstick (just one) - wait, I mean SET ON FIRE - in the microwave.... and not notice it til the smoke alarm starts going off.

I had to throw out a breadstick and a plate, cause I'd bet it's beyond repair from the scorch marks.

It took like an hour to get the smoke to clear, cause this apartment isn't cool enough to have fans. So I turned on the stove fan and opened the patio door - yeah that worked real well.... at freezing my ass off.

*sigh* I try so hard but times like this make it seem hopeless that I'll ever be able to cook. Ever.

I'm not even sure where to start with this, so I'll choose the beginning.

My first delivery at work today was just down the street, and a little boy (probably between 7-10 years old) opened the door. Obviously his mom had just given him the money to pay for it. From experience, I know that when this happens, parents forget to tell their kids that there's supposed to be a tip involved, or they feel it's justified to "forget" to tell them because they know they won't know better, or don't want to give extra money to a stranger when mommy didn't say so.

Anyway, because of said knowledge, when I handed him his change I shorted him a dollar. In my mind, I said "He's not going to give me a tip, I'll just take one and if they call me on it I can just play dumb that I counted wrong."

On my last delivery of the day I started counting the change back to the customer, and in my mind I couldn't remember what 40-27 was, at least not correctly, and instead of giving her 13 bucks I gave her 18. Not until I got to my car did my mind randomly do the math CORRECTLY. I couldn't just walk back up to her door and say "Hey, I need a 5 back."

I honestly believe in my heart this was payback (karma) for what I did earlier in the day. I feel incredibly bad about it now, even after writing it out and essentially being punished for it already. I had no idea what that dollar could have meant to the family I took it from, but I know what the 5 dollars meant to me. It means a lot at this point and time of my life.

Even though I stand firm that if you don't have the money to tip the driver a few bucks, you shouldn't be ordering pizza, you should be going to the grocery store, but I still feel bad for what I did.

I hope the family on Brookforest Dr can forgive me, and the God and Goddess as well. "An it harm none, do what ye will." I have not done that in my life today, and accept any further reprocussions that the Goddess deems necessary, though I'm sure what has already happened was all that will happen to me.

Merry Meet all.

Another visit from Jeff has come and gone. My heart is heavy but I just keep breathing.

Somehow, these past 5 days have just been so great that they are helping me not be so upset. I almost cried during our kisses goodbye, but I held strong. And now, just thinking about how relaxing it was to have him here and how much fun we had is calming. It will be another two months before I see him again, but it doesn't seem so far away. I'll bet the time will fly by, with thanksgiving and christmas around the corner. I always get wrapped up in the holidays.... before either of us know it we will be together again.

He has a long drive ahead of him. I hope he has a safe and fast journey. It was probably more fun driving knowing he was coming HOME, than going back to that dull life on the ship. I hope the fresh memories keep his mind occupied. I know they are keeping me safe, at least for today.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

"Man it would be nice to have 5 days out of this hell hole." -Jeff, referring to being stuck in Virginia in the Navy, and requesting leave to come home next week.

"And spend 5 days in a different hole." -Me, without missing a beat.

Oh the lols. C'mon, I never say witty shit. I'm allowed to be excited.

I can actually say I'm happy tonight. For a while there I was just in a slump, living my life and repeating in my head "I'm just waiting for July 15th".... but tonight I feel alive again. I owe all this to talking to Jeff tonight, and REALLY talking to him.... I'm not sure how long we were on the phone but it was a few hours, and it feels like everything is right in the world again. If that makes any sense of course.

Sure, we didn't talk about anything important, but that's the best part about it. Meaningless conversations about simply everything are exactly the kind of conversations I want from my mate. I love everything about Jeff. Everything in our relationship fits right.

I would've gotten married to him months ago if it had been possible, but now I feel extremely confident that whenever we do get married next year, I won't have a single thought in my head about whether or not we'll make it long-term. I know it would have worked out anyway if we had been married already, but now I just know. If we can make it through this deployment, what the hell can't we make it through?

*sigh* I'm just so happy tonight. I wish he was here so I wasn't going to sleep in an empty bed, but it sounds like I'll get to see him November 1st.... or a few hours before lol depending on if he gets out of work early, drives fast, etc. Sexy time!!!! We both need it.

:D

Real quick....

I'm pissed off! Just researched some stuff on Celebrity Fit Club (curiosity from watching a video on MSN) and "Marsha Brady" was on there. She didn't even really look that big in the beginning pictures, it looked a lot like she was wearing some hefty clothes in a skinny body, and then I come to find out she was 150 pounds? Big fuckin' deal! I haven't been 150 pounds in like 8 years for fuck's sake.

Yeah that's about it. I'm going to bed. Didn't get any schoolwork accomplished today, mostly cause I realized I needed to re-read a whole section and I really just don't want to. I can't remember it cause I wasn't interested the first time reading it, and I certainly don't wanna read it again. It ain't Harry Potter.

Sick of being tired and definitely tired of being sick.

Eden and I are sitting here playing Viva Pinata, and this outside cat walks up to my patio. Eden just stares at it like she never knew other cats existed in the world. I decide to go out and test it's human skills and sure enough, this other cat doesn't trust me enough to come close enough to pet. But it doens't run far away, just enough to stare at me out of arm's reach. So I grab some kitteh ph00d and dump it on the ledge of my patio :) It comes back and eats it like it's never eaten in it's life heh. I sat out watching it eat but after reaching out to pet it it ran away. Then again, at the same time I reached out, it started pouring rain. I left some food out in case it wanted to come back.

Perhaps eventually after days of food it will decide to trust me. Not that I'm looking to adopt any more cats here ;) I'm not crazy cat lady or nothin'.....not me.

Eden is sitting at the patio door just waiting for it to come back. It's hilarious.

Oh....and now there's a moth on the screen.

Good times....

I've had so many things run through my head today I don't know where to start, and I seriously apologize for the lack of structure I'm sure is going to be involved in this blog.

I seriously question my self-worth. I know I'm a good person, big deal. But on paper....nothing. I make $7/hr and BEG for tips.... I've been out of school for 3 1/2 years. I'm going to be 21 next tuesday for fuck's sake. But what of it? I have no degree, and I certainly haven't climbed up any company ladders. Perhaps I did at GameStop, being as I was Assisstant Manager but I'm not even there any more. I know I'm better than where I am. Where I have put myself for not going to college.

To this day I still don't know what the hell I want to do in my life (besides be a mom, but damnit you don't get paid for that!). Lately I've been thinking about how profitable it would be if I could get in to some sort of real estate thing. Buying forclosed or pre-forclosed houses and re-selling.... maybe doing something like remodeling. But then I think....do I need a degree for that? How the hell would I be able to do that? Is that a stable job....millions of questions can stem from this. And of course I hate myself for coming up with yet another thing I COULD do with my life. I've been through so many options (teacher, psychiatrist, video game designer, massage therapy, nurse, and now real estate?) I wish I could just pick one.

My issue with going to college is 1)the lack of financial help (unless I get married, have a child, join the military, or become 24 first) and 2)I want to be a mother...soon. Even if I wait a little, which Jeff wants to (and I support that 100%, I won't rush this sort of thing) we're talking at least 2 years for college. Then what? The bill starts coming in to repay that loan, and I spend so much time and effort trying to pay that off that I can't even think about affording a child!!!! I'm having enough trouble paying off my car. A college loan would be about 3 times the amount of my car loan, without any help from the government.

All I want in life is to have a few children of my own, protect them, watch them grow, mold them into decent human beings (god knows we need a few more of those around here). But I feel like a ticking time bomb. If I do 'this' I can't have children til 'then' and shit like that. I feel like everything I do pushes me farther and farther away from being stable enough to achieve the only thing I want in life.

I wish someone had some answers for me. Maybe I should just suck it up and go to college and see what happens from there. But what the hell am I gonna go for?! Maybe I should take a 6 month class for something....what are my options there? That would give me something to go on before Jeff gets out of the Navy. I could deal with college if it was only 6 months. No problem. But 2 or more years seems like a waste of life to me! I wasted 12 years going to school already. Fuck going for more. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who believes a "year" is a really long time! TWO years.... well jesus.... ten years for a degree in psychology/to be a doctor? EXCUSE ME? You're taking HOW MUCH time out of my life here?

New subject....I came to a realization that good karma cannot come back to you in the form of money. And it sucks. If you're a good person, but too poor for a meal, karma would send you someone with a basket. It wouldn't drop $20 in your bank account. It just takes care of all that life-threatening shit for you. Money is something a human has to reach out for themselves. You have to be the one to kiss ass for a promotion, take a chance on starting up your own business, shit like that. Karma won't do anything for you there.

'Nother new subject. I need a new job. J-o-b and not a career cause I'm too stubborn to go to college. Still waiting for Jeff's parents to finish my resume. Bless them for helping me but damn it's been a few weeks lol. But I'm too grateful for them wanting to help me, so I can wait as long as it takes. Even if means losing my job and not having a resume in time to find a new one. They did offer me a place to live of course lol. Not like I wouldn't have anywhere to go if I got evicted from non-payment of rent.

I have been considering that as well. How fast I could have some things paid off if I was living somewhere for free.... but I am in a lease. Can you get out of that shit? Would that affect my credit score? I'm sure if anyone actually read this and commented they would say "ask your landlord" but how shitty would it look if I asked that question, and then stayed? They'd never look at me the same. Or should I wait out my lease and then move in with his parents? ....was his dad even being serious when he offered me that? And the flow of questions starts again.

Now that I have Eden I'm going to have to worry about places taking cats. I want my own house! All these wants.... they make me feel more like a piece of shit. I know damn well if I want something I have to find my own means of getting it.

Then with the house thing, I could buy a forclosed house for less than I'm paying for rent right now. Possibly half the price! I could have a house and money to spare? Jesus fuck I wish I could act on that. But I want that to be something I share with Jeff. Definitely want to experience that with Jeff. And he won't be out of the Navy until next July.... and then after that, I don't want to live here. I wanna move far away. Could I really just buy a house out-of-state, possibly one I've never seen, in a town I've never been to, just pack up and move? Or maybe I should buy a house here, then move. I dunno how that shit works :/

*sigh* I'm getting tired of running around in my head. Like I said, I wish someone had some answers for me. Guess I'm glad I got it all out though. At least I hope I did.

I'm having all these dreadful thoughts about what's happened/happening today.... I wish they would stop.

Or I wish he would call. But then I'm not sure of that either. Could actually make matters worse....

When did I become so insecure?

Let's talk about my day, shall we? I woke up two hours early. I can't figure out why I keep doing this. Sure, I went back to sleep, but it's bothering me quite a lot that I wake up early EVERY day. Took a shower (stared at how ugly my bathtub is and how badly it needs clean/bleaching), and went on with my day. I go to Burger King for my breakfast, and for some reason I feel that I don't need to be to work until 11am, so I went inside. As I'm walking to get my drink, I have this strange feeling between my legs. I can't describe this, and no one else would understand unless they were a girl too, but I had forgot to put a tampon in after my shower. PANIC immediately ensues, and I run off to the bathroom while they prepare my food. I'm still bleedin' pretty heavy (heavy for me, probably normal for most) for it being my 4th day. The damage was minimal, ruined undies (no sweat there, I don't wear nice ones when I'm bleeding anyway, mostly for cases like this) and a few spots on my pants, not too bad on the outside and you couldn't see it unless I was be sitting with my legs open. So I throw the last tampon I have in my purse in my va-jay-jay and check the time. It's 10:32, and NOW I remember I'm supposed to be at work at 10:30. Wow, I feel stupid! I get back to the front counter, embarassed of myself, and get my shit to go.

I drive over to work, and no one's there. Call Heather, apparently she's running late. Well, gives me time to run over to Kroger and buy some new panties (ugh, certainly not flattering ones) and pantiliners, because the last tampon I had available was already in me (and this baby was gonna have to last at least 6 more hours). I get in my car and sit for a second for WHATEVER reason, and I hear this scraping! I look over, and an older gentleman has apparently misjudged the distance between his car and the one parked in front of him. He's scraped the bumper, and then BACKS UP, scraping it some more! I'm like WTF dude, are you retarded? Then I'm wondering what he's gonna do next....is he gonna drive away? AND HE TOTALLY DOES. I say NOT-UH bitch, and wrote down his license plate number. Sure, nobody helped me out when my car got obliterated, but I can forgive them and help whoever this person is out. I'm not gonna let someone be a victim like I was. I wrote a note, and made sure to include the fact that I worked right across the street.

I go to work, blah blah blah, and start my normal duty to stand outside and shake my ass-I mean sign. I strayed from my usual spot to stand where I could see the owner of this car come out so maybe I could run over and talk to them in person. After like, only 20 minutes it's driving me crazy and I decide I'm going to go over and write down their license plate number and report the incident myself. When I get over there, the lady had just finished reading my letter. We had a short conversation and I told her what she needed to do to get it fixed. She was so grateful that I gave her the information, and I couldn't stop smiling on my way to my next delivery. Forgive me, but I felt like I did an incredibly good thing here.

Anyway....holy freakin' shit I made chicken....moist, delicious chicken! Obviously I'll be counting down the next few hours to see if I magically find out it's not done, by way of me praying to the porclein gods, but I'll keep the faith for now.

Back to watching Cat Woman. I've wanted to see this movie since it came out. Lol.

Once again, just blogging cause somehow I stayed up too late, AGAIN.

After what I feel was a lot of hard work and stress, my dreams of being soon married to Jeffrey have been crushed. At least here in our county, in order to complete the marriage license application, both parties have to go downtown to the license office. As much as I pleaded, they do not consider military an excuse for not being able to make it during their open hours, and since those are only during the week and Jeff is not going to be here until about midnight Friday (god forbid his plane get delayed :( ) and leaves on Sunday, that's not possible. Good thing I really didn't invest anything in to it besides a $24 dress, which I may or may not return. Of course, that makes me feel bad that he already bought his plane ticket....

I am insanely happy I know when I get to see him again, and actually, that it's only 8 days away! Or 9, depending on how you look at it.

Now I'm feeling selfish for making him spend $300 to come see me :/.... but I miss him so much....

I will never be able to get used to him not being around. I think my heart refuses to believe I can be so madly in love with someone I will only get to see for about 30 days out of this year. A total of one month a year. No. I can't handle that.

We're getting married the weekend of the 12th-14th. I, of course, do not know the exact date and time otherwise I would have post that here. But I hope to have that figured out by Monday night.

Or now that I think about it, I don't know when I'll know :/. So please don't hold me to Monday night lol.

*yawn* I'm really tired. Which is good and bad. Good cause that means at least an extra hour of sleep tonight, and bad cause I didn't pay enough attention to washing/drying my sheets and now I'm sitting here waiting for them.

Since Jeff has duty on Monday, I plan on driving out to Macy's to see if I can find myself a decent replacement for a wedding dress. I really hope I can. But I made a promise to myself I wouldn't settle. Jeff, our children, and most importantly me, will look back at the pictures and damnit I don't wanna look back wide-eyed like "WTF was I wearing?!"

I told my mother tonight that Jeff and I plan to get married very very soon. It was a funny situation cause I said "Is calling Tony back incredibly important?" and she said "No, why?" I say "Cause I have something I want to tell you." She says something like go ahead but I think I already know what it is....I laugh and ask what she thought it was. Of course she thought I was pregnant. So I laughed that off and said "Nope, Jeff wants to get married."

As I babble on and on about the problems we're having as far as getting the date set and so forth she never mentioned anything about it "being too early" or anything at all that I thought she would say. I'm so happy for that. She asked me why I wanted to do it and what his parents would think and blah blah.... but all in all it was a very light-hearted conversation!

I knew that my nervousness about telling her was overrated. I knew as soon as I got it out I would feel better and she was going to accept me. I was very surprised I didn't get the littlest of a lecture, but who knows what thoughts I've left her with to keep her up while she tries to get to sleep tonight....

I can't wait for things to get underway and dates to be set so I can share them with her. I keep thinking more and more everyday how much easier it would be if Jeff was able to come up during the week but I think I'm just going to be thankful he's willing to come here and marry me at all. I've got my mom out of the way, but I'm really scared of what his parents are going to think.

So far I've told my friends Brooke and Sam that I am getting married. Brooke seemed really happy for me (probably cause she's actually met Jeff) but Sam's reaction was....not quite the same.

She was happy, but before the happy emotion was way too much concern. I can't blame her, I'd be a little doubtful if one of my friends told me they were marrying a man they'd only been dating for 2 months.

It's just so much more than that....I know what I want out of life. After 7 years of relationships I believe I have a pretty damn good understanding of what I want and need. Jeff and I mirror each other in all the right places (especially financially, which is what everyone's worried about), and we're different in ways that keep the relationship interesting.

I wouldn't let myself make a mistake such as this. There's no way. I know divorce is costly and painful.

I just hope I don't have to resort to "I'M GOING TO DO IT WHETHER OR NOT YOU 'THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA' SO JUST STFU."

I want you to hear all my thoughts and feelings, and after my first blog you noticed I express words a little better through writing, so here I am.

I really want to do it. What we talked about. I have no doubt in my mind, body and soul that I want to be with you. Somehow, as strongly as I feel about that, I feel more confident in the fact that I never want to hurt you. Being that, I don't want you to make any mistakes to make me happy. Forget everyone. This is absolutely about you and I. I want this to be something you want as badly as I do. And no matter how far along this gets (even though it seems we may only have a few weeks left :P) I want you to know you can stop it at any time. If you're having doubts, if you think it's too early, you should stop the whole thing. I don't care if it's 3 seconds before it's finalized, and I'm standing there, holding hands with you, ready to be your lady. You have just as much say in this as I do. As heartbroken as I would feel, and as many tears I would shed if it were to happen that you said no, I would be immensely happy and thankful that you had the courage to express your true feelings. I want nothing more than you to be happy.

'Tis not about money or status. 'Tis about love.

And definitely do not think that if you do say no 3 seconds before it's finished, that I will question your love for me. I know you love me :) But this is a big step, one that can be reversed, no problem, but you know me....I gotta get it right the first time he he. Even if it means waiting a year, two, nine, or forever.

Basically, I'm saying you can scoop me up whenever you like, but I never, ever want you to have to look at me with regret.

If you have no doubts, and this all goes through, I know that I will be the happiest woman on the planet. But if it doesn't happen (at least not yet), I at least have you (which still pretty much makes me the happiest woman on the planet  ^^).

Things have escalated back up to "normal". Last week was a little shitty cause something was bringing Jeff down and in turn me down. Or maybe it was the other way. But no matter which way it was, things got tense and we exchanged a few words I wish hadn't ever been said. Never anything I would call a "fight", but the lack of emotion caused a few things to be said (probably on both ends, I dunno if he got hurt at all last week, this is just my point of view) that I truly believe never would have been said if the world had been in normal perspective. I'm glad I said something on Sunday, and that it's made things right again. Certainly not glad that I made Jeff cry, but I'm not sure I could have gotten my point across with any nicer words. My pessimistic side is telling me the only reason things are better is because he is pretending every thing's peachy so he doesn't hurt my feelings anymore, but I stopped listening to that voice a while back.

I wonder if I'll spend tonight, as usual, reading lonely stories on here from myself and others missing their significant others in the military, "I live in a sexless marriage", and whatever other, depressing stories I can find to keep me up until 3 am. This can't be healthy, but maybe it's all that keeps me going.

I'm having a minor panic attack....after reading stories on here about people filing for bankruptcy I decided to start worrying about my own bills. I don't have much and things are indeed looking up starting next week but I decided to check online as to why my cincinnati bell bill is so much.

One. I'm still getting charged for the second line I opened for a month then CLOSED. And I've been charged a ridiculous amount of like $84 for it. And that's on the month I didn't use it. I'm looking further back and I've been charged pretty much the same for the month I started it. I signed up for that plan because it was cheap, not because I wanted to pay over $150 a month for two lines....are they fucking crazy? I don't even remember how much it was when I signed up for the shared 1400 mins. And I got no conformation papers on the change, I can't remember the reason the lady gave me for that. I might just be fucked here. I hope I can call them tomorrow about it, but I'm so nervous, and pissed, and I've never yelled at anyone to get my way, but I think I might have to.

The other line I kept open is getting charged out the ass as well, and the past two months it has a 19.99 charge for Messaging, content and application fee? What the hell is this? I'm ready to join the "I hate hidden fees" group on here. I bet there is one.

And even further, I got charged for this line being open as well, when Pat told me over a month ago it had been turned off. I'm certainly not paying for (or making someone pay me for) a phone line that wasn't active.

Man I feel sorry for whoever I get on the phone with about this. I'm going to let someone have it if they start telling me they can't do anything for me. My mind is about ready to explode right now.

This reminds me of Jeff's dilemma on checking our Verizon bill earlier today. Which I don't think is solved but I'm going to let him handle it. If only because I've got my own shit to worry about. I just didn't know I had SO MUCH to worry about. I'm very close to overwhemled :(

I do apologize for blogging twice in one day (technically) but I felt the need to say this out loud, and since Jeff is asleep I have to do it here. Otherwise I'd be talking to him about it.

I'm so thankful I have met him. I don't understand how I could have felt love before this. This time is so....different. Is it because he's not here? I have no idea....

I just cried a little bit because I found myself closing my eyes and trying to remember what kissing him FELT like....and I couldn't. Something within me will not allow me to pretend that I can feel what it is like to kiss him when he is not physically here. And I want to kill whatever it is.

Now I'm feeling the way I always end up feeling when I start thinking about Jeff, late at night, with no one around....I'm attached. And I can't handle that either. For christ sake's we haven't even been dating for 2 months. I want to be attached and express all of my love every single second of every day....but then the pessimism kicks in. I begin to think about how the story plays out if I throw 110% of myself into this relationship. He becomes overwhelmed and backs out. I know this because I've been on the receiving end of that situation. Jeremy threw himself upon me as soon as I said "I love you too" and all he said to me for months was "I love you" and "I miss you". I felt like I was swimming in circles trying to get out of those two phrases. I was panicking, and finally someone reached their hand out to keep me from drowning, and it was Pat. Granted he totally pulled a fast one on me with charm and swept me off my feet....which I should have been more aware of before I totally dumped Jeremy 3 days after meeting him. But I was only 17, and I will never say that Pat and I had a shitty relationship in the 3 years we spent together. I just should have been a little more cautious in the beginning steps, and not rushed to become his girlfriend so quickly.

WOW....that turned off topic QUICK. I apologize.

But basically I see it playing out that if I give up all of myself, if the relationship fails then I just lost ALL of myself. I'm not the type of person to put that much on the line. If I had a million dollars I wouldn't bet every penny on a horse race. I'd bet what I felt like I wouldn't mind losing. Which is what I'm used to giving in a relationship. But I WANT to give all of myself to him. I just couldn't handle the pain if I ever lost him. So what do I do?

He says he'll never leave me. And I have faith in that. But I'm realistic, too. What happens years down the road when he's too nice to tell me I'm doing something that pisses him off, and one day he simply can't take it any more and leaves? I guess the only way to solve that is for him to promise he'll be completely honest with me and tell me how he's feeling all the time....I already know I'm capable of that, but is he? There's no way for me to know that. I know what I have learned from my past relationships. But I don't know what he's learned from his. And there's no way for me to ever find out.

I'm being wayyyy too analytical about this, aren't I? I think I just enjoyed going off on a tangent in text, instead of just in my head. I should do this more often. It's relaxing.

It's 2am, and I want to sleep, but I have no reason to. Grr.

I'm not feelin' bloggy right now, but I'm bored and figured I'd update for anyone that cares.

Things are....going. I found out I don't have to make a car payment this month so I think I'm going to concentrate on my other bills that have piled up. I've practically designed the art of never missing payments but always having bills to pay. Slowly beginning to hate America for making it impossible to live on my own.

I came home to a notice in my door last night, at 2am, that my water would be off today from any time between 8:30am-5:30pm for maintenance. What a pile of shit! I think I'm entitled to a little more notice than one day in advance that my WATER is going to be off. This place has started pissing me off. Raising my rent for police efforts, people fighting outside of my apartment every night for the past 3 nights, water's off randomly.

I can't wait for Jeff to be home for good so I can be happy all the time. He makes everything okay.

My store's going to start opening at 11 instead of 3 on august 11th, and I'm praying that this provides me with more hours. If not, I'm okay for now. I know I'm going to be okay, but I'd rather be comfortable. I wish I had the guts to demand rent from Alex. I just don't feel right telling people they HAVE to do stuff. I wouldn't want someone doing it to me.... if I didn't have a job or a place to live except my friends house I would hope they would let me stay without rent until I was on my feet again. Problem with that is it's never gonna fucking happen.... and if it did I would clean and cook and worship the ground they walked on and be out 12 hours a day trying to get a job.

I just don't think Alex knows how bad off I am, how much this place costs, and bottom-fucking-line I don't think he was raised with any financial responsibilities whatsoever so he couldn't even comprehend things if I told him. He's always lived nicely at his parents house with no demands to have and keep a job and pay bills or anything.

*sigh* But like I said, I'll be alright. It'd just help if he paid to be here. I suppose I can blame myself for not wanting to put fire under his ass to get him to pay, but I blame him first for not knowing he should already be doing this.

I don't think I have anything else to talk (complain) about. I like being optimistic but I have no idea how long this will last :/ Probably til Christmas, when I'll be struggling to buy presents for everyone. I should have my credit cards paid off by then though. He he. Tis the season of credit limits.