The Blog of mandy5367

I do apologize for blogging twice in one day (technically) but I felt the need to say this out loud, and since Jeff is asleep I have to do it here. Otherwise I'd be talking to him about it.

I'm so thankful I have met him. I don't understand how I could have felt love before this. This time is so....different. Is it because he's not here? I have no idea....

I just cried a little bit because I found myself closing my eyes and trying to remember what kissing him FELT like....and I couldn't. Something within me will not allow me to pretend that I can feel what it is like to kiss him when he is not physically here. And I want to kill whatever it is.

Now I'm feeling the way I always end up feeling when I start thinking about Jeff, late at night, with no one around....I'm attached. And I can't handle that either. For christ sake's we haven't even been dating for 2 months. I want to be attached and express all of my love every single second of every day....but then the pessimism kicks in. I begin to think about how the story plays out if I throw 110% of myself into this relationship. He becomes overwhelmed and backs out. I know this because I've been on the receiving end of that situation. Jeremy threw himself upon me as soon as I said "I love you too" and all he said to me for months was "I love you" and "I miss you". I felt like I was swimming in circles trying to get out of those two phrases. I was panicking, and finally someone reached their hand out to keep me from drowning, and it was Pat. Granted he totally pulled a fast one on me with charm and swept me off my feet....which I should have been more aware of before I totally dumped Jeremy 3 days after meeting him. But I was only 17, and I will never say that Pat and I had a shitty relationship in the 3 years we spent together. I just should have been a little more cautious in the beginning steps, and not rushed to become his girlfriend so quickly.

WOW....that turned off topic QUICK. I apologize.

But basically I see it playing out that if I give up all of myself, if the relationship fails then I just lost ALL of myself. I'm not the type of person to put that much on the line. If I had a million dollars I wouldn't bet every penny on a horse race. I'd bet what I felt like I wouldn't mind losing. Which is what I'm used to giving in a relationship. But I WANT to give all of myself to him. I just couldn't handle the pain if I ever lost him. So what do I do?

He says he'll never leave me. And I have faith in that. But I'm realistic, too. What happens years down the road when he's too nice to tell me I'm doing something that pisses him off, and one day he simply can't take it any more and leaves? I guess the only way to solve that is for him to promise he'll be completely honest with me and tell me how he's feeling all the time....I already know I'm capable of that, but is he? There's no way for me to know that. I know what I have learned from my past relationships. But I don't know what he's learned from his. And there's no way for me to ever find out.

I'm being wayyyy too analytical about this, aren't I? I think I just enjoyed going off on a tangent in text, instead of just in my head. I should do this more often. It's relaxing.

It's 2am, and I want to sleep, but I have no reason to. Grr.