The Blog of mandy5367

I've had so many things run through my head today I don't know where to start, and I seriously apologize for the lack of structure I'm sure is going to be involved in this blog.

I seriously question my self-worth. I know I'm a good person, big deal. But on paper....nothing. I make $7/hr and BEG for tips.... I've been out of school for 3 1/2 years. I'm going to be 21 next tuesday for fuck's sake. But what of it? I have no degree, and I certainly haven't climbed up any company ladders. Perhaps I did at GameStop, being as I was Assisstant Manager but I'm not even there any more. I know I'm better than where I am. Where I have put myself for not going to college.

To this day I still don't know what the hell I want to do in my life (besides be a mom, but damnit you don't get paid for that!). Lately I've been thinking about how profitable it would be if I could get in to some sort of real estate thing. Buying forclosed or pre-forclosed houses and re-selling.... maybe doing something like remodeling. But then I think....do I need a degree for that? How the hell would I be able to do that? Is that a stable job....millions of questions can stem from this. And of course I hate myself for coming up with yet another thing I COULD do with my life. I've been through so many options (teacher, psychiatrist, video game designer, massage therapy, nurse, and now real estate?) I wish I could just pick one.

My issue with going to college is 1)the lack of financial help (unless I get married, have a child, join the military, or become 24 first) and 2)I want to be a mother...soon. Even if I wait a little, which Jeff wants to (and I support that 100%, I won't rush this sort of thing) we're talking at least 2 years for college. Then what? The bill starts coming in to repay that loan, and I spend so much time and effort trying to pay that off that I can't even think about affording a child!!!! I'm having enough trouble paying off my car. A college loan would be about 3 times the amount of my car loan, without any help from the government.

All I want in life is to have a few children of my own, protect them, watch them grow, mold them into decent human beings (god knows we need a few more of those around here). But I feel like a ticking time bomb. If I do 'this' I can't have children til 'then' and shit like that. I feel like everything I do pushes me farther and farther away from being stable enough to achieve the only thing I want in life.

I wish someone had some answers for me. Maybe I should just suck it up and go to college and see what happens from there. But what the hell am I gonna go for?! Maybe I should take a 6 month class for something....what are my options there? That would give me something to go on before Jeff gets out of the Navy. I could deal with college if it was only 6 months. No problem. But 2 or more years seems like a waste of life to me! I wasted 12 years going to school already. Fuck going for more. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who believes a "year" is a really long time! TWO years.... well jesus.... ten years for a degree in psychology/to be a doctor? EXCUSE ME? You're taking HOW MUCH time out of my life here?

New subject....I came to a realization that good karma cannot come back to you in the form of money. And it sucks. If you're a good person, but too poor for a meal, karma would send you someone with a basket. It wouldn't drop $20 in your bank account. It just takes care of all that life-threatening shit for you. Money is something a human has to reach out for themselves. You have to be the one to kiss ass for a promotion, take a chance on starting up your own business, shit like that. Karma won't do anything for you there.

'Nother new subject. I need a new job. J-o-b and not a career cause I'm too stubborn to go to college. Still waiting for Jeff's parents to finish my resume. Bless them for helping me but damn it's been a few weeks lol. But I'm too grateful for them wanting to help me, so I can wait as long as it takes. Even if means losing my job and not having a resume in time to find a new one. They did offer me a place to live of course lol. Not like I wouldn't have anywhere to go if I got evicted from non-payment of rent.

I have been considering that as well. How fast I could have some things paid off if I was living somewhere for free.... but I am in a lease. Can you get out of that shit? Would that affect my credit score? I'm sure if anyone actually read this and commented they would say "ask your landlord" but how shitty would it look if I asked that question, and then stayed? They'd never look at me the same. Or should I wait out my lease and then move in with his parents? ....was his dad even being serious when he offered me that? And the flow of questions starts again.

Now that I have Eden I'm going to have to worry about places taking cats. I want my own house! All these wants.... they make me feel more like a piece of shit. I know damn well if I want something I have to find my own means of getting it.

Then with the house thing, I could buy a forclosed house for less than I'm paying for rent right now. Possibly half the price! I could have a house and money to spare? Jesus fuck I wish I could act on that. But I want that to be something I share with Jeff. Definitely want to experience that with Jeff. And he won't be out of the Navy until next July.... and then after that, I don't want to live here. I wanna move far away. Could I really just buy a house out-of-state, possibly one I've never seen, in a town I've never been to, just pack up and move? Or maybe I should buy a house here, then move. I dunno how that shit works :/

*sigh* I'm getting tired of running around in my head. Like I said, I wish someone had some answers for me. Guess I'm glad I got it all out though. At least I hope I did.